i had a "ah ha!" moment recently. That I should make better use of my basil plant, while it's still around, to make pasta with home-made pesto sauce, something i've never tried before.

It was good. I sort of combined a recipe i'd seen online but "lost," when the time came to make it, with a recipe my mom gave me. Just blend together the olive oil, about 3 cups basil leaves, 4 oz. pine nuts, 3 T. parmesan cheese, and, as a pricey indulgence, a bit of parmesan reggiano cheese. ($9 for a narrow wedge). It came out very good (and bright green, of course) but on the dry side. I skimped a wee bit on that olive oil cus it's loaded with fat; i used about 1/2 cup.

Does anyone know how long the leftover pesto sauce will keep? I'm guessing not long.... i think i'll freeze the remaining sauce.

Just ordered a bamboo cutting board; i like to research online for the best prices and i knew i wanted one that was larger than the 10 x 12" plastic job i've got now. It always seems like food's falling off the edges and making a mess. Buying the bamboo one (best price $21 for 12 x 16" one at WAL MART) is part of my ongoing crusade to rid myself of plastics in my kitchen. (Ever since i'd read that certain ones can leach out their chemicals into your food, especially if it's old or damaged plastic, or if it's heated in the microwave.) I figured a plastic cutting board that i'm regularly using would be a good thing to ditch as well.

I really love the idea of using bamboo as much as possible becus it's sustainably harvested (grows up to 2 feet a day) and doesn't mean we're cutting down forests for the wood, even while bamboo is as strong as maple. I love my 2 bamboo floor mats as well, one in my office here and 1 on the porch.

A week ago i also ordered (again, from Wal-Mart, you can't beat their prices) a set of 5 round pyrex glass containers with plastic lids, for about $20 as well. I'm using Ship to Store, which means the item will be there when i go but i don't have to pay extra for shipping. These containers should work well for leftovers and for my lunches at work.

I had an awful experience with a critter in my house. Awful in terms of, it's dead. One weekday night last week i heard a very audible scratching noise while i was in my upstairs bedroom. It was one of our first cool nights. I thought, oh no, the mice are coming in the house already...better set the traps. Except that this sounded like one very energetic mouse. I heard it around 10 pm and it in fact woke me again around 5 am so i went down to investigate, my cat at my side. It was coming from behind the cabinet in the downstairs bathroom. I shoed the cat out of there becus i was so tired and just wanted to go back to bed. But i made sure to close the door to the bathroom so that any mouse would not then access the rest of the house. I'd deal with it later.

Went to work, and when i came home that night, there was a message on my phone from my mother. She was going to be passing thru my town that day so i told her why don't you stop by the house and help yourself to some more tomatoes from the garden. She said ok. So on her phone message, she said as soon as she got to my house, she had to go use the bathroom. She said, i don't know if you read the email i sent you today (I hadn't) but i don't want you to be upset about what you see in the bathroom.

Geez. I went to the bathroom, wondering if the toilet flooded or something. Everything appeared normal. Then, something told me to lift up the toilet seat lid. Carefully, gingerly, i did so and i found a dead chipmunk floating there. I flushed it, and away it went. (Thank God.)

I asked my mother, geez, why didn't you just flush it so i didn't have to look at it? She was afraid it would get stuck and clog up the toilet. Great. The poor thing somehow found a way into the house (scary) and then maybe tried to get a drink and then fell in and couldn't get out. Poor thing.

Poor me. I haven't used that toilet since. I need to sanitize everything. I also called my friend M. who years ago had offered to help me "mouse-proof" my basement, meaning, tearing out some of the insulation to find out where the holes are. I have a pretty good idea, but it's a messy job and i don't want to freak if i find a nest of anything. He couldn't come up this weekend, too busy, but he did give me a list of things to buy, so i SURE AM HOPING he'll come up and help me, cus if a chipmunk can get it, ay yi yi.

Bad news at the car dealership. On Wednesday my "check engine" light went on, and i read in the manual how it sometimes goes on if you don't turn the gas cap tightly enough after filling up. (That, in fact, happened to me once before.) And i had just filled up the night before, so i was somewhat counting on that being the problem. So i was very unhappy today when they told me it was 2 parts of the emissions system that needed replacing, to the tune of $600 (scheduled for Thursday and they'll give me a loaner car), not including the $65 i paid today to diagnose it. Damn. Just when you're patting yourself on the back for spending $180 this month on groceries, you get the big whammo. That, on top of the other $600 bill i got for my annual sewer assessment, has me feeling suddenly a bit poorer than normal.

ToyGuy gave me a compliment yesterday...he said, i wish i got as much done as you do...

i admit, i'm usually a whirling dervish on the weekend. I think the reason why is that the responsiblity to keep up this place is all on me and with my time always feeling in short supply, i am usually super-productive just so i can get things done. I'm always afraid of "falling behind" on stuff.

Yesterday i had my usual list of things i wanted to accomplish. After our trip to Innisfree Gardens Friday, i figured the rest of the weekend would be WORK.

As sometimes happens, i end up doing stuff not on my list but which needed doing all the same. For instance, i put on my list, "Prune shrubs."

I have exactly 6 shrubs i prune with an electric trimmer twice in a season. They include 2 spireas, which lend themselves nicely to electric pruning, and 4 azaelas. I'm not a big fan of severely trimmed shrubs in round or square shapes, but since the rest of my yard is often in a state of semi-wild, exuberant growth mode, pruning these shrubs helps give the appearance of civility.

So i did the shrubs yesterday. The 1 white azaela is huge, probably 6 feet high and 5 feet wide. (The light green orb to the left is a spirea.)


(This picture was taken end of May.)

I can only wonder how large it would get if i didn't prune it. Had to use a ladder to get the top of it.

But then i decided to trim the row of forsythia i have, the ones that never bloom, i think becus you're supposed to cut it back sharply as it blooms on new wood. This row is about 25 feet long and the forsythia themselves probably 9 feet high. It affords a great deal of privacy but if you're at all familiar with how forsythia grows, it puts out these arching new stems. Eventually, the weight of them causes them to bend over toward the ground, and once they hit the ground, they easily root and thus expand their territory quicker than Putin's tanks can roll into Georgia. (wierd analogy but the first thing i thought of.)

Even using the ladder, i couldn't get the top of the forsythia, so i can't say they look better, but i did take a huge amount of foliage off and widen one walkway, and maybe they'll bloom better next year. Of course, once you trim all that stuff, the next question is, where to put it? I dragged a large tarp i have out of the garage and was able to easily rake the trimmings into the tarp and in 2 trips, dragged it all to a space behind my tool shed that you can't see from the house.

I was using the electric trimmer, some hand loppers and a hand pruner. My wrists and arms are still sore today.

Eager to get half of the never-ending lawn mowing done, i didn't feel like waiting til the cool of early evening to do the front, and instead revved up the mower around 3:30 pm. I didn't realize how much more that chore takes out of me when i'm pushing that thing around in direct sunlight. I finished up the front, then drifted off to sleep on the screened porch, the cat napping in a chair nearby. I won't say i slept soundly. It was one of those naps where you keep waking up in a groggy state, then doze off again.

But apparently it was enough to mess up my normal sleep routine cus i was wide awake this am at 4 am. I decided to finally get up around 5:30 and read some blogs here. I'm now having my morning tea at 6:10 am on a Sunday. Disgusting!

What's on the agenda for today?

Well, there's the back lawn to mow later in the day, of course. And i want to make some granola. I don't have the dried apricots and apples i used last time, but i do have dried cranberries and raisins, so i think that'll do.

And i see i'm having a problem with the locust tree stump. When they cut the giant tree down last spring, i was sort of in a hurry to get them off my property, as they made a big mess and i didn't want their heavy equipment messing up the lawn any more than it already did. So i told them they didn't have to use their stump grinder on the stump, which just juts up a few inches from ground level. I figured i could put a potted plant on top of it, and it's surrounded by irises.

But i noticed there are all sorts of locust tree shoots growing from the stump, and with their thorns and deep roots, it's difficult if not impossible to pull them out. I hate to use poison. Anyone have any suggestions for a somewhat non-toxic solution? Not having dealt with tree stumps before, i'm already regretting my decision to not let them grind the thing down which i'm guessing could have prevented regrowth. Another yard chore i do not need.

I was going to take some fieldstone and encircle the irises and the stump and fill in with mulch, but now i'm rethinking that becus with new locust shoots popping up there, i'll have to keep digging them out and just mess things up.

I have the old-fashioned dogwood in my yard, the kind with the berries ripening now, and the squirrels are gorging themslves on the berries.

There were other things i wanted to do which i know i won't, like go up into the attic and assess how easily i could add insulation (by ripping up the carpeting and then i guess plywood), but without doing that i have no way of knowing how much insulation is up there.

I should probably gas up the car, so it has me thinking what else i can do on the way there, as the cheap gas station is a 15-minute ride. I could hit a grocery store.

Despite my best efforts, i seem to have a small patch of poison ivy. Nothing too serious; i usually use Tec-Nu religiously if i think there's any possiblity i've been exposed.

I did a preliminary tally of my August income/expenses and was bummed to find I'm in the red by about $20 with still a week to go to month's end. It was the replacement window: $830.

We finally made it up to Innisfree Gardens, a place I'd been to about 15 years ago, in Dutchess County, New York.


It was the perfect day for it, sunny and dry.


The gardens are clustered around a beautiful lake with some very nice views.


These are the interesting seed pods left after lotus flowers bloom. You sometimes see these in floral arrangements.


More lake views...


What i liked about these gardens was that they used only natural materials, just the plants themselves and stone. Stone pavers, stone borders and simple stone fountains...very nice.

After our walk around the lake, we headed into town for lunch and found the very same spot i'd had lunch 15 years ago. We sat outside on the front patio. The food was pricey but the service was excellent. My friend treated. I brought my leftovers home and had it for dinner.

In Other News

It was so fun going to the dentist Friday, especially the part where you have to pay. I didn't! I've paid just $5 a month ($40 YTD) into my dental plan (it's deducted from my paychecks) and it paid for 100% of my dental exam, cleaning and x-rays. No co-pays! Hooray! The last time i was there sans dental plan it cost about $130, not including x-rays. And i walked out of there with a new toothbrush and 2 paaks of Stim-U-Dent, which my dentist says is better than dental floss.

My mom's coming over this a.m. to pick up as many red ripe tomatoes from the garden as she can eat. I have about a dozen ready to go.

On today's agenda, I'll be piling fieldstone in my wheelbarrow and bringing it back down to the front yard to encircle the spot where the locust tree once stood. It's just a large stump there now surrounded by some irises. I think it'll look better with the rock border and i can just weedwhack around it as needed; otherwise, all the grass and weeds start creeping into the bed.

I also have to spray some poison ivy i've seen growing in the back patio beds. Also need to mow the lawn, though i won't do that til later in the day.

If you're getting tired of getting unneeded phone books (I got FOUR new ones, recently) you can go to www.yellowpagesgoesgreen.org to take yourself off the list and save a whole lot of trees.

Brace yourself, readers...are you sitting down? I turned 49 a few weeks ago, and I'm not very happy about it.

Things were going pretty well up until about age 45. The gradual decline in appearance seemed to pick up speed after that, like a giant rubber tire rolling down the steepest of San Francisco streets.

Is this all about vanity? If it is, it's not my fault! In our society, being a single, late 40s woman is a frightening prospect. Men of every age, despite what they tell you, still judge a woman they meet most heavily based on visual appearances. Sure, sense of humor, intelligence and a friendly personality all help, but when it comes down to it, men want to be with Angelina Jolie.

When i look in the mirror these days, i see my grandmother. Grandma, I love you dearly, but, but but....those JOWLS. Yes, the H. family all have that same facial bone structure and while it looked hot in my 20s and 30s, the cumulative gravity of all the years is pulling everything down, down, down. Mini jowls, to go with my gray hair, deepening wrinkes and other unmentionables.

Can anyone relate to this? Most of you women are married, and in that case, you've got to feel more secure as you age becus, ideally, anyway, you know you'll be together to the end and you've got a loving foundation rooted in years of togetherness and a shared history. And if you're decades younger than me, well, my friends, all this may sound desperate and sad, but just you wait. You, too, shall suffer the woes of aging.

I met someone a few weeks ago who was interested to get together again, but, i don't know, i just didn't feel that "connection." Unfortunately, i can be a bit fussy, too.

My biggest fear is that i'll wind up living the rest of my life alone. Rather depressing, particularly for someone who will always be an introvert and so could really use a significant other, becus i am not big on pursuing social activities solo.

I'm very good at preparing for that possiblity from a financial perspective (see, there's the segue to finances), but on the personal side of things, umm, i could stand improvement.

At the same time, i've been strangely reluctant to take steps to change my manless situation. With the new job and my high-maintenance home, my weekly schedule is so tightly packed that i often find it difficult to visualize how i'd fit a man into my life. And, truth be told, after commuting all week, i like to stay close to home on the weekends and enjoy simple activities: cooking, gardening, yardwork.

So as you can see, i'm good at making up all sorts of excuses for myself, As BA has implied, it takes a lot of work to find someone on the personal sites. And the social things i do like to do are the same things that other women like to do, so if you really want to find a man, you might consider taking up a welding course.

Ironically, i don't even want to get married now. I'm financially self-sufficient and certainly i'm not going to have kids now, but i could see myself cohabiting with someone. If that were even possible.

Small things make me happy, especially when i can sell or trade things on Craig's List.

Quite some time ago, I bought a case of Fancy Feast cat food at Costco. But the little kitty didn't like it; she really prefers her dry food.

I thought i'd try to trade my 19 cans of Fancy Feast for a bag of dry food. First, one woman expressed interest but eventually dropped out. Then i reposted. Another woman expressed interest and said she didn't have a bag of dry food at home, but could go to the store to get me one and asked me what brand. I told her any brand, really, my cat's not too fussy and i gave her my number to schedule the trade. She never called, and i figured it was becus at some point it dawned on her that she wasn't really saving much, especially if she had to go to the store to buy a bag of catfood.

Then a 3rd person, this time a man, responded, and we didn, finally accomplish the tradeoff, although he, too, said he'd have to go buy the bag of dry food. I had priced the little tins of Fancy Feast and saw they could be purchased for as little as .55 a can, so that's about $10.45 worth of canned food. So when he asked me what kind of dry food i wanted, i asked for a bag of Iams, Hairball Remedy.

I was actually surprised that he showed up. He had left the receipt in the bottom of the bag and i saw that he paid $7.99 for it. So you could say he made a $2 profit, but of course, he had to drive to my house and to the store. (There were no other items listed on the store receipt.) So WHY DID HE DO THIS?

I just don't get it. I guess some people just like the idea of trading, but this was not a pure trade since he went to the store. It just wouldn't have seemed worth it to me for such a small item.

Well, whatever, i'm happy; i managed to turn something that had become worthless to me into something that will feed my cat for about a month.

Tomorrow (day off!) i'm driving an hour north with friend H. to check out some public botanical gardens. I was there about 15 years ago and have been wanting to do this sort of thing all summer. Reminds me, i have to recharge my camera batteries.

At some point earlier in the season, i decided to keep track of how much produce my modest little garden gave up.

If you're a vegetable, you're just hitting your stride now, when both days and nights are warm, often humid. And here in the northeast, we've gotten a heck of a lot of rain, saving me at least one chore.

The garden plot is just about 6 x 6, not huge by any means. I threw seedlings and seeds in their in such a hurry that i forgot how big everything would get, so now the whole thing, with its flimsy deer neeting fence and spindly wood posts, is slowly imploding toward the center. I can't even walk in there to weed, but i can pick produce by reaching over or under the flexible fencing.

So here's what i got so far:

2 large servings of lettuce
several large servings of snap peas
2 zucchini
9 cucumbers
25 tomatoes
6 green bell peppers

Not bad for such a modest space, and i project my overall harvest will double by end of September, at least if we're talking tomatoes!

As for expenses, this is only an estimate, but the cost of seeds, seedlings, fencing, posts and Miracle-Gro must've come to about $46. And I have plenty of seeds and more deer netting, left over. I will have to come up with a better fencing system, though, when i expand the garden.

Nope, i couldn't really do anything special cus the window guys were coming in the a.m. to do a replacement window in my downstairs bathroom.

They were speaking Russian, well, the 1 told me he was from Belarus and the other 1 from Lithuania.

The window's pretty nice (though winter's cold will be the real test), but i was a little less than thrilled with the installation. They sort of rush you to sign off on the job and it's only after they were gone and i'd paid them that i had time to more closely examine their workmanship.

For one thing, the window's installed crooked. It's about one-eighth of an inch off; enough that you can notice it if you look at it. Well, maybe that's not their fault. It's possible the whole window was cut in crooked so they had to stick with the original imprint, i don't know. That doesn't bother me too much. But then on one piece of trim that he had removed when he took out the old window, he broke off the end and sloppily caulked 3 pieces together, Finally, i saw that on the window sill, he'd caulked over loose paint, which i could easily peel off with my finger. It will need to be caulked again. I'm just gonna redo the caulk myself and hopefully once i repaint the window frame, you won't notice the broken pieces on the trim much. I think it will be noticeable, but what are you gonna do? The window's pretty old, and who knows if i could find trim that would match the rest of it.

The window is the kind you can tilt inward for cleaning, if you wanted. It's frosted on the lower half since it looks out onto a screened porch.

I started mowing the lawn but then it got sunny again, so i stopped; just too hot. Then it started raining, after i'd hung my laundry out on the line, so i rushed to bring in most of it and now it's draped over various closet doors and chairs upstairs to dry. Make up your mind, Weather!

Last night as i sat waiting to pick up my neighbor after work, the sky was filled with dark blue clouds. It didn't look good at all. I was listening to the news in my car and they interrupted it with a Nat'l Weather Service Alert and a tornado warning for the entire county. Luckily, we got just a few miles from home before the rain started pelting down. The tornado ended up out on the Sound, but there were plenty of power outages, localized flooding and hail.
Did a dump run this a.m.

I've started keeping track of just how much produce i get out of my garden this summer, and i'll post the totals later when the season's over. I also tried calculating what i paid for the plants, fencing, posts, etc., but that will be just an estimate. Still, this should prove interesting to know.

I was excited today to pick 2 cucumbers and a green pepper. There are 3 more green peppers of good size still on the plants. The pepper i picked looks so great i don't think i want to cook it; i'll have to look for some cold salad to use it in. I bet it will be crunchy fresh.

Going out to dinner with a girlfriend in a couple of hours. She thinks she's treating me, for my birthday, when actually i'm treating HER, cus she cat-sat for me a few weeks back. I'm going to have to insist. She really can't afford to buy me dinner, anyway. She collects SS and otherwise just has a part-time job.

I was quite annoyed to get an email last week from AT&T, announcing they were raising my Internet service rate from $15 to $20, for no reason that i could see except to make more $ off me. I called to cancel, since actually, i don't often use the computer at home and i was just plain miffed. The rep asked me why i was cancelling, and i said i didn't want to pay an extra $5. She immediately said they could give me a $5 monthly credit, on account of my being "a loyal customer." Ridiculous, isn't it? They're COUNTING on the fact that most people aren't going to cancel their service due to a fee increase.

To her credit, the rep also saved me another $3 a month on my bill. She noticed that i don't use my land line for long distance, and she informed she could take me off the long distance calling plan feature and save me $3 a month. I didn't know i could do that, and in fact just a few months ago i had called AT&T to see if there was any way i could save $, and the guy i spoke to at that time said no, you're paying just $15 a month for phone service; that's our cheapest plan. But anyway, i'm thrilled to be able to carve off another $3 on a recurring monthly bill.

I'm happy to see gas prices finally dropping in CT. I filled up my tank today for $3.98 a gallon, the first time i've seen it under $4 for a while. Yet, in the long run, i believe high gas prices will do this country good, in terms of forcing people to conserve and become more aware of how much energy they're likely wasting, and also in terms of propelling auto makers to pick up where they left off on energy efficient car models 30 years ago.

I have to shake my head when i see that Toyota's most fuel-efficient, non-hybrid vehicle, the Corolla, gets just 35 mpg. That's supposed to look "fantastic," yet that's exactly what my 9-year-old Civic gets. So they've made no progress for at least 9 years.

I have such strong feelings on the subject, i've written Honda the car manufacturer a letter about it. Hybrids are fine, but they cost more and there are concerns about electro-magnetic rays surfacing that i hadn't heard before. They are, after all, a brand new technology, so i'd hate to sink $23K on a vehicle only to learn a few years later that it's harmful to my health.

The Smart Cars, too, for their teensy size, should get MUCH better mileage than they do. In fact, your mileage is just as good or better with one of the sub-compacts, like a Honda Fit or a Toyota Yaris, so why give up all that extra space if it doesn't save you anything extra? I'd hate to see one in an accident.

Higher gas prices are having amazing repercussions in so many aspects of our lives. I've been reading a lot about how they're changing the equation for homebuyers, who for many years were thrilled to migrate out from the cities, with all their crime, noise, traffic and lack of privacy, into expanding suburbia with the big lawns and even bigger SUVs.

Today's high gas prices mean that homebuyers are thinking twice about their willingness to commute long distances to work. And far-flung suburban locations don't look so rosy anymore; a lot of people are getting more intersted in living in urban areas, or at least "mixed use development" areas that benefit from nearby public transit and a host of shopping locales you can walk to.

I know that's becoming more interesting to me as i ponder where i might like to move to when i eventually sell my house. I've got plenty of time, and i intend to wait out the slow housing market. But I could sell it anytime between now and, say, 11 years from now.

I see myself remaining in CT. The town i had earlier planned to move to is still a possiblity but i would be intrigued by a mixed used development with good public transporation, something CT, with its strict residential zoning laws, is considerably lacking in. Everyone around here drives. Did you know that the ratio of transportation dollars spent on roads and highways vs public transit is about 4 to 1? I think our elected leaders should start looking at turning that equation around, and soon.

Sitting here enjoying sliced watermelon and nectarine, hand-picked raspberries and coconut flakes drizzled with honey. Sweet!

We were expecting lots of rain today, so before mid-day, i walked to the library this a.m. and got 3 DVDs. Also stopped at the bank. Back home, I wanted to do one more picking of the wild raspberries (really, Japanese wineberries) in my backyard and got quite a few. I've been picking for 3 weeks now while my neighbor complains "The season's too short."

I also finished mowing the front yard, and then the back yard in high humidity. Ick.

Around noon there was a big show of thunder and rain, but it didn't last long. I suspect we're in for more as it's still overcast.

I just awaoke from a nice, long snooze, something i rarely do.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and i'm heading over to my mother's for lunch then. Birthdays used to be a big deal to me, and i would sometimes be disappointed if there wasn't a lot of hoopla (a legacy of my grandparents, who liked to fuss over us kids), but now, well, it's NOT a big deal. I'm inching closer to my 50s. Yikes. Scary thought.

I had my recurring college dream the other night. I was back at school the weekend before the 1st day of classes and wanted to get settled into my dorm room, but walked in to find not one roommate, as i'd expected, but 5 or 6 and just one bed that wasn't taken, and i couldn't put my stuff down on it cus it had been discovered to have bugs in it and they had to fumigate. Two Latino girls introduced themselves to me, as Maria and Maria. I was worried that the one boy in the room had put his stuff all over the place and hogged what was supposed to be my bookcase. Then i heard my cat's meow, and i called to her, Sitka, Sitka, where are you, what are you doing here, and then i saw her come running toward me. Then i woke up, and there was Sitka at my shoulder. She was probably meowing, the little stinker.

I found someone on Craig's List who wanted to buy my sleeping bag and i asked her if she lived locally, for pickup. She said yes, i live in N. I wrote her back saying, well actually i work in N., so i could save you the 45-minute drive up to me and bring it with me to work. She liked that idea as she lives 2 minutes from my office, she said. So we arranged that i would wait for her in front of my office building Friday at exactly 9 a.m., then we'd walk over to my car and exchange the bag then. I told her i would make a point to be on time. Well, you guessed it. I waited and waited and she didn't show. I couldn't afford to wait endlessly, as i was at work. I was quite annoyed and sent her an email to tell her so. (I didn't have her phone #, but she had mine at work.) I went out of my way to make it convenient for her, the least she could have done is call to let me know she wasn't coming.

I was surprised to hear back from her today. She said she "just forgot." Ggrr.

I learned this week that i won't be going to Utah with friend R. He is proceeding with his treatment for the prostate cancer and paying the $20K out of his own pocket, but in the meantime, he's decided to sue his insurance company. So he pushed back the trip with the airlines from October 08 to April 09. I think the only reason the airlines allowed him to change the dates was becus of the prostate cancer, but i think the real reason he delayed the trip was to prepare for his lawsuit as i'm guessing he's representing himself. (He is very good at confrontation, debate and things along those lines.)

I'm trying to be understanding and all, but i can't help but feel miffed by the way this is all ending up. He had told me about the trip just enough to get me psyched about it. Becus since i'm not dating anyone, i wouldn't otherwise have any special plans for a vacation this year. He had told me upfront that i was his "backup" choice, that his first choice was to go to Utah with his ex-wife, Barb, who i knew wouldn't want to go, but he was holding out for her anyway, until finally, i had to give him a "deadline" of Aug. 1 to let me know, one way or the other, whether we were going or not. I didn't want to be in the position of saving all my vacation time for October only to find out last minute i wasn't going. It really wasn't fair to me.

Anyway, for some reason, i'm feeling i was sort of used here and not very happy about it. I told him so and in his usual way he told me i was overreacting and that i should be "flexible, that's what friends do." He actually left the possiblity of me going with him in April open, and i said forget it, i'm not going to be your stand-in anymore.

I have been there umpteen times for him when his wife left him, and he needed to talk about it, endlessley, and then i was there for him again the 2nd time, when after their 2nd marriage she left again. Basicfally, he's been down in the dumps since she left him, and i have tried many times to talk things out with him and try to boost his spiritis, put a positive spin on things, etc., but his morose mood is sometimes a downer for me.

When i've had relationship issues, over the years, he would tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and seemed to have little patience to hear more than the barest of details. He is not an emotional person, everything is all logic and reason with him. R. has always been like that, but i usually give him a pass and say to myself, that's just how R. is. And there were other parts of R. that i valued, so i figured it's a package deal.

Now i'm just tired of it, frankly.

I'll probably put in for a full week off in September when i go back to work Monday. I've been taking a day here, a day there, but it's really not a long enough time away from work to truly feel refreshed and relaxed. I dont plan to travel anywhere, but i am mentally making a list of "fun" things to do on my week off:
taking in a movie at the town hall, perhaps a foreign movie at the library if there's one playing that week,
the organic farmer's market which i don't get to go to anymore, cus they're on Tuesdays, when i'm normally at work....
a day trip with either H. or my mom to some botanical gardens about an hour's drive from here....(for inspiration).
A long walk.

If I don't plan fun things, i know i'll end up doing everyday chores around here, and that's not really the idea.

A local kayak trip, yes, that's the ticket.

My problem has long been, all work and no play. I need to come up with more fun stuff that doesn't involve a long drive.