Luther says hello.



I'm making slow progress on my emergency fund. It's up to $8,304 now but i won't have 6 months worth of expenses saved until May 2010. My goal is to have more than 6 months, but 6 months would make me feel better.

My mother came over this a.m. to meet the cat. Later this afternoon, a friend in town is picking me up and we're going to a 3-hour workhsop at the library on Sustainable Landscaping. It's free, too. Should be interesting.

We're still waiting on our 2008 bonuses. Latest word is that they have to get the company audit done before they can distribute bonuses, which at this point may happen in early March; reall not sure. As soon as i get it most of it will go into my Roth IRA and immediately lose value in my mutual funds. Sigh.

I did my taxes last weekend and was absolutely thrilled to see i'll be getting a refund for the first time in like a decade. I'll get $600 back from IRS and owed about $17 to the state.

My thought for the day is this: Everyone in customer service is inept.

When the vet came to the house to euthanize Sitka, he agreed to honor the original (lower) price is 1st staff person had given me, though Staff person #2 had given me a higher price that day. So naturally, i get my credit card statement and it indicates they charged me the amount that was $50 higher. So i had to call them and revisit that most unpleasant of days to get that straightened out.

Also in the cat department, i learned that Luther has roundworm. Apparently another cat that lived in the room where he was threw up a roundworm, so the shelter people said we'll cover the cost of the meds, but you have to go thru our vet. I called the vet and since their office opened after i leave for work, and closes before i get home, i asked them if they could mail it to me. Sure, she said. I'll mail it today. That was on Monday.

I was anxious to get Luther started on the meds since he is sleeping in the bed with me. Tuesday went by, then Wednesday. When Thursday came and still no meds in the mail, i called them back. A different woman answered the phone and put me on hold. She came back and said matter of factly, the meds are right here. They were never mailed. No apology, no explanation as to what happened. That's the kind of thing that really pisses me off. Then she said, oh, we can put it in the box outside our door and you can pick it up whenever you like.

Well, duh. I wish the first woman i talked to on Monday would have told me that; i could have picked it up and gotten Luther started 4 days sooner!

But i guess that's what you get when you pay someone about $10 an hour. They have no vested interestt in doing a good job. No personal responsiblity if something goes wrong. (scream)

To vent my anger, i posted bad reviews of the vet's staff on 2 vet review sites.

Similarly, when i went to doc to get antibiotics for the cat bite, i told the doc i hadn't heard back from his nurse about results of a urine retest cus the sample taken during my physical in January was not normal. He didn't see anything in the charts and said call her and leave a message.

I did so, didn't hear anything so i had to call back again. Then she finally called me and said whatever infection/bug i may have had will be taken care of by the antibiotics i'm taking for the cat bite. Except now i' trying to ward off a yeast infection. I don't know why doctors don't ROUTINELY remind women taking antibiotics to take acidopholus or drink cranberry juice, cus it happens every time. Grrr.

I haven't had the heart to look at my mutual fund statement; i know it's down even more.

Saturday was my running around day. I was meeting girlfriends for lunch at 1 and had hoped to do my other errands beforehand, but these days i just don't feel motivated to run out the door first thing like i used to.

So i filled up the gas tank then headed to the Chinese place to meet them. They're 2 women in their 50s who were laid off by my company back in December, One is married, the other is widowed, no kids. Only one of them has had a bit of freelance work, but they both seemed in good spirits.

I suggested that next time we meet, they come to my place for a potluck lunch. They liked the idea. My lunch at the Chinese place was $10, a splurge for me these days.

Afterwards, i checked out both Sears and JC Penney looking for flannel sheets for my mother; that's what she wants for her birthday. Couldn't find 'em, it's late in the season. Target only had the Jersey sheets, which i like, but my mom wanted real flannel. Wal-Mart didn't have queen-sized online. Will have to keep looking, i guess.

Braced myself for the madness that is Costco. Picked up a case of canned Friskies for Luther, plus 88 pounds of kitty litter (since he's using the box, i'd better be prepared), some bananas at .44/lb and a case of yogurt, since i'm gulping antibiotics for another week.

My mom was going to come over to meet the cat but decided not to due to the weather, though as it turns out it's just been mostly rainy.

So today was a quiet day. I made a loaf of cranberry/walnut/sour cream bread and watched a wierd Netflix movie. Spent a lot of time with the cat; he's going to have to get used to long periods on his own. I wrote a letter to a friend of mine who lives in PA. Yeah, who writes letters anymore? I have lots of nice stationery, so she's really the only person i write anymore.

I spent $130 on 4 different scratching posts and things, and i've gotten 3 delivered so far. I can't seem to get him interested in any of them! Grr.

Do you remember that issue i had with the vet who euthanized my Sitka, how the staff person told me $168, and then on the day the vet came, the price became $218, and how when i spoke to the vet about it and said i felt he should honor the price i was originally given, he agreed? Well, i got my Amex statement and they charged me $218, so now i have to revisit a wholly unpleasant day and call his office to straighten it out. I'm not surprised, this kind of thing always happens to me.

Wish i didn't have to go back to work tomorrow. It's not a bad job, but my days are long and Monday through Friday just seem like a treadmill, with not much room left over for Fern. I really only feel like myself on the weekends, when i reconnect with who i am.

This is the story of the first day of the rest of his life...

I arranged to work at home last Wednesday, but since i needed to be "at my desk" at 8:30 am sharp, i also arranged to pick up Luther around 7:30 am so i could be home with him all day on his first day with me.

They put him in a new carrier I'd bought for Sitka, black vinyl with a kind of black webbing.

We started out on the 25-minute ride home. Luther started out with little meows. I can handle this, i thought. I kept talking reassuredly to him. Then the little mews turned into alarmed, louder meows. Then without warning, Luther went beserko, desperately trying to get out of the carrier. I was trying to keep my eyes on the road, and when i looked down at him, i saw he had chewed a hole through the webbing and his nose was halfway out.

I knew i had to keep him IN his carrier at all cost and i had no time to pull over, so i put my hand over the hole so he wouldn't make it bigger. Then he bit me, but good. I had 2 small puncture wounds which started bleeding. The cat was still doing a pretty good kamikaze act in the carrier, so, still driving, I grabbed a pad of paper with a cardboard backing and pushed it against the hole. You don't know how glad I was when i pulled in my driveway.

I let him out once inside the house. He was pretty scared. I showed him where his food dish was in the kitchen, and his litter box in the upstairs spare bedroom, then put him in the bedroom figuring he'd feel most secure under the bed. Then i went across the hall to tend to my wound. I was in there for just 5 minutes, and when i returned to the bedroom, he wasn't under the bed. Before I picked him up i made a point to close all closet doors, plus the doors to the basement and 1 bathroom, just so it'd be easier for me to keep tabs on him. I searched the whole house upstairs and down and COULD NOT FIND HIM. I knew he was hiding somewhere, but figured he'd show when he was ready. Still, i worried he might be stuck somehwere, so I searched the house up and down a 2nd time, a 3rd time and even a 4th time in the next 2 hours. Still couldn't find him. Finally, i did. He was squeezed under a dresser in my bedroom which had a 5 inch clearance at most. That's where he spent most of the day. Throughout the day i would take breaks from work in my office, lie down on the floor by the dresser and stick my hand in there (brave, right, after getting bit?) and pet him and he'd purr like mad, but he still wouldn't come out.

Then, at dusk, he found the courage to come out of his hiding place and to move over to under the bed, which was a bit roomier but still secure.

Next day i left for work, wondering how he'd do on his own. When i got home, i found evidence of playing. A toy of Sitka's that had been on the counter in the upstairs bathroom sink was on the living room floor. A throw blanket on a chair was on the floor. Evidently he had been exploring when the house was quiet, but he would still stay in the bedroom when i was home, though he was super lovable and affectionate.

He isn't used to the normal noises of the house, having been born outside. My fir floor boards creak all over the place, especially upstairs, and i think that startled him for a while.

I don't think, for instance, he ever experienced a TV before and he has been watching it curiously.

Later in the week, i came home to find some drapes covering my interior french doors down on the floor; i hope the tension rod didn't hit him.

Today, he's really coming into his own. He's been coming downstairs now to follow me and hanging out all over the house. Despite the bite, he is a super-affectionate cat. (I don't think he intended to bite me, he was just trying to get out of the carrier.)

The second night here, he stayed all night with me in the bedroom, sometimes on the bed and sometimes on the rug. I could tell where he was at all times, even in the dark, becus i could hear him purring nonstop. Like a beacon in the night. He seems very happy.

Oh, about that bite. I emailed the woman at the shelter to let her know how his first and second days went and i almost wasn't going to mention the bite. She strongly urged me to see a doctor and get antibiotics becus she said cat bites get infected very easily. I had washed the bite wounds out very well and used peroxide on it; it looked fine to me, though it was swollen and particularly sore on the first day.

But i went to see the doctor yesterday, and i'm really glad i did. He said it was already a "first tier" infection and gave me the meds. He told me he could almost guarantee me that if i'd waited til Monday (they're closed Sat/Sun) i would have been in a lot of trouble. He said cat saliva has a bacteria that spreads very easily and cat bites on the hands are the worst becus there's very little flesh there and the infection can spread quickly to the tendons. He said if i had waited til Monday to see him he'd probably have had to send me to a hand surgeon!

I was rather shocked. Also shocked at the meds. I remember years ago if you got sick or needed antibiotics, you'd get 200 milligrams, or maybe 400. I'm taking 875 milligrams twice a day! I shudder to think what it's doing to my system, but at Costco today i bought a case of Stonyfield yogurt and am also taking acidophlus.

One thing i especially like about Luther is that as a long-haired cat, he has these tufts of long hair growing out of his ears, so long they kind of curl up at the ends outside the ear, kind of like a cowlick. It's very cute. Did you ever see an old man with really bushy eyebrows? Kind of reminds me of that.

He loves to play and is just today getting into wanting to explore everything. He really seems to be relishing having the space and freedom to explore more than than the tiny room he shared with 5 other cats.

I was a little alarmed the 2nd day becus when i cleaned out the litter box, there was pee and no poop, but i smelled poop in my office. OH NO, i thought, i CAN'T deal with another cat that doesn't poop in the litter box. This is just not possible. This can't be happening to me. I searched the office everywhere but couldn't find the poop, but my nose is very good. I finally found it. I have a large potted dracena with some florist dried moss covering the dirt. The cat had scratched off the moss and pooped in the dirt. So i cut a corrugated piece of cardboard into a circle to cover the top of the pot with a slit for the plant's stem, then used clear masking tape to keep it on.

Next day, i found poop in the litter box. I was thrilled. It's the simple things that make me happy.

Today i met two friends for lunch. They were both laid off from my company before Xmas. Both writers, and getting just a little bit of freelance work, but they both seemed in good spirits. I suggested we do this again, and this time to save money we could all meet at my place.

I'm still considering whether to get a companion for Luther, but i'm a little afraid of rocking the boat with another cat who either may not get along with him or else create a situation where one cat dominates the other. (I've experienced both before.) So i don't know. There was a female tortie that lived in the same room at the shelter with Luther, and i know they got along, so she might be a possiblity. But Luther is a VERY needy cat, he is constantly with me looking for attention. I don't know if he'd be willing to "share" me with another kitty.

There is such a need for homes for these animals, though. The conditions at the shelter were just awful.

Yes, i can say it now because it is official. The shelter checked out my references and I "passed." I am now free to adopt the long-haired orange cat i went back to see a 2nd time today.

He is a mush. Very sweet, gentle and mellow personality. He's just 5 months. He and 2 siblings, both of which were already adopted, were found with their mother living under a house in a not so nice town.

He's been there about a month and i was surprised no one had taken him yet, cus he's very cute, but maybe becus his photo was not up on their website yet. So no one would know about him unless they came to the shelter, and i think a lot of people like me browse petfinder before deciding which shelter(s) to visit.

The parents are still feral and loose, but i think they caught the mother and spayed her. I'm told that my cat is the spitting image of his dad, while his mother was a calico.

So would you like to help me name him? I have settled on 2 names i like, though if you have others i'm all ears. Since he is a beautiful orangey color, i was thinking either 1. Apricot, or 2. Luther.

I always wanted a cat named Luther. Don't know why. As for Apricot, it's a bit long, but i could see myself calling him "Appy" for short, which rhymes with "Happy."

Any preferences?

I pretty much finished the draft of my federal tax return and i will actually get a $75 refund. I'll have to go back over it to check my math and stuff. I usually pull out the previous year's return and compare it as my info doesn't change much from year to year.

I will post a pic as soon as i can.

In financial news, i decided to do an analysis of how far unemployment comp would go should i lose my job. Everyone's been telling me the maximum you can get, which i believe i'd be eligible for, is now $500 a week. Actually, if you visit the site, you'll see its $519 a week. Last time i needed it, the max was $310 a week, so that's a considerable hike.

So, monthly gross would be $2,076.

With that money, here's what i cold pay for:
Mortgage and property tax: $1,132
COBRA (estimated, based on what a friend pays, but he's male so mine might be less): $750 a month (incredible, right?)
Electricity (based on my 2008 average): $62
Internet/phone: $41
Cable TV $20
Sewer: $60 month (includes payback on a mandatory loan)
Water $16 average

If it's true, as i've heard, that the final stimulus package includes a 60% subsidy of COBRA for the unemployed, that would give me an extra $300 a month, which would cover my food and gas.

So anyway, that unemployment comp would go a long way in paying my basic bills. I'd still have to worry about out of pocket health costs, homeowners insurance, borough taxes, car insurance, dump sticker, and car maintenance, but still... Just good to know i could swing it if i had to.

I had such a great visit with my dad and Kathy. Kathy is his wife in every way except they aren't married, but i still consider her like family.

They had called me Thursday night proposing they come up from Jersey (3-hour ride) for a visit, and I happily said yes.

So they arrived early afternoon with dachsunds in tow. The dachsunds seem to be Kathy's focus in life since her recent retirement from teaching. They've been through obedience classes and she spends a lot of time working with them.

Anyway, we sat around for a bit talking and catching up. My dad gave me a Valentine's Day present of....pink BOOZE! It's actually a vodka infused with passion fruit, i think. It tasted very much like pink grapefrut and it was delicious. Never thought i'd like something like that cus i don't usually drink anything except the occasional beer or wine, but this was quite fun. It's called "X-rated" on the bottle, and as i said, bright pink. If you should come across it, you should try it.

I was very touched by his thougtfulness. I think it was the first time he ever got me something for Valentine's Day. Our family's always been kind of broken up, so a simple thing like this just makes me want to cry. There was a span of many years when i was in my 20s when i had no contact with him at all. Now, it seems, i always feel like i'm trying to catch up for those lost years and i am always very aware that i may not have that much time with him, so i treasure every chance i have to spend time with him. He's mellowed out quite a bit as he's gotten older, and i've discovered he's really a big old lovable mush who likes to laugh and talk. He's not just my dad, he's someone i like.

So we went to dinner at one of his favorite restaurants up here, a German restaurant that used to be called Helga's and is now called something else. (My dad's side of the family is German, and my name is too.) It looks like it used to be a private home but with its stucco exterior it looks like a Bavarian cottage. In the summer they have tables set up outside and traditional oompah music on Saturday nights. The food is actually quite good. Inside, it's all dark woodwork and cozy rooms, those little German cuckoo clocks and a fireplace. Just 2 rooms.

We had a good meal, and good conversation. We talked a lot about the animals in our lives. Kathy gently told the waitress that her entree was very over-salted, and they immediately gave her a replacement as well as free dessert and coffee for the 3 of us.

Afterwards, we drove home. My dad decided to head over to my sister's, a 15-minute drive, to drop off another bottle of booze he got for her. He figured she'd be at her boyfriend's, but turned out she was there so they had a brief visit. Kathy and I stayed at my home and took the dogs for a walk around the block, though it was chilly. I told Kathy these 2 little dachsunds were so strong, pulling at their leash, that if i had a pair of skis on, they could easily pull me along.

My dad returned, we hung out together a while longer and they headed back to New Jersey around 6 pm. It was the perfect visit and really boosted my spirits. My dad saw all the tree branches that had come down in the ice storm and we agreed that when they come back in April to help me with my vegetable garden fencing, he'll bring his electric chainsaw and help me cut up the branches. I already started cutting them up with my little bow saw, but some of the branches are pretty big. He said he'd bring his truck and help me bring all of it to the landfill, though i hope to have cleaned up a lot of it before then. We'll see.

Here's the status of the cat situation. I am going back to just the one shelter today to see "Cordiero," the shy long-haired orange kitty who was too spooked by the screaming child to come down from his tree house when i was there Saturday. The woman volunteer, Nancy, is going to meet me there. She said he's very affectionate, normally. I may take him if he is, cus he was a very pretty cat.

HOWEVER, i've been browsing PetFinder.com nearly incessantly this weekend, and looked at every single cat in every single shelter within about an hour's drive. There are many possiblities, but it would mean a lot of running around to check out one cat her, one cat at that shelter, and one cat at another shelter. Plus, some of the animal groups here don't have an actual shelter, but the group is comprised of volunteers who have all the cats in temporary foster homes until a permanent home can be found. So seeing cats in private foster homes would require more time to coordinate.

So there is one such foster-type group that had 3 more kitties i was very much interested in. One was a black and white older kitten with polydactyl paws, which I adore. They are very cool. And I find myself being drawn to black and white cats due to nostalgia, as my first cat as an adult was a black and white cat named Fritz.

the other cat i have a big interest in in a Siamese kitten. Very pretty. As a child, i grew up with a Siamese named Ming Soo Lee and a wild Dalmatian named Rufus.

So, a total of 6 cats i'm considering, but i only met 3 of them so far. Here are the ones at the foster home group that i want to meet:


Oreo


Rose

I like Rose's markings better, but i really want whichever one has the double paws. I think it may be her, though the website indicated it was Oreo.


Rocky

Tony

But i probably won't be able to see any of these kittens at their foster homes for about a week. I printed out the application online, but it was a PDF and there was no way for me to email it to them, which means, apparently, i have to use regular mail to send it to them and then wait for them to contact me to arrange an appointment for me to see the cats i'm interested in. There were actually 4 cats in total that i indicated an interest in, so if they happen to be with different foster families, i suppose it may mean more than one trip down there. This town's about 45 minutes away.

If I like Cordiero, i may still commit to taking him today, though they, too, will probably need more time to check my references. But i want to leave open the possiblity of getting a second cat becus i really liked Oreo, the b/w double-pawed kitty, as well as the Siamese, whose name escapes me.

I am still missing Sitka.

I think my schedule today will go something like this: Head over to see Cordiero around noon. It's about a 20 minute drive. On the way back, stop at grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for my chicken paprikosh. The chicken is dethawing in the fridge. Then at home dress warmly and maybe make some more headway on cutting up the fallen tree branches.

Later in the day, at least make a START on my taxes.

This weekend in increased the deductible on my homeowner's insurance policy from $1,000 to $2,500, which will save me $108 each year. I should have done this sooner, as i would never file a claim unless it was truly catastropic, like a tree falling on the house, or a fire. My premium's risen each year, but i'm guessing f i had done this 13 years ago, i could have saved myself $1,000.

Live and learn.

It's been 6 days since I lost little Sitka. It's hard to believe it's only been 6 days, becus much has happened in that interim, so much so that i honestly feel like months have passed. Maybe that's because every ninute, every hour, every day has been a struggle to move on and try not to dwell on things.

I was able to write two thank-you letters to both vets that helped me.

You may be surprised to hear that this weekend I visited two animal shelters, and i plan to go back to both on Monday, since i have the day off.

My time at work was not too hard; i had much to do and work and people distracted me. But each night going home, the house was oh so still, and i have yet to break the habit of looking up at the top of the stairs when i enter the house, looking for little Sitka. I am stil crying, about once a day. It comes out of nowhere, after a period when i think to myself, wow, you're really doing well, it doesn't feel as bad. And then at some point later, i burst into tears.

As i mentioned in my last post, when I lost Fritz, i felt so completely miserable that after 2 weeks i went to a shelter, "just to look." I came home with Sitka that day.

It's only been a week, and you may say "too soon," but nothing else has improved my mood except the thought of looking for another kitty to love.

So first i went to a local SPCA shelter. There was a lot of commotion as the dogs were lined up in cages outside and barking furiously and lots of peope were coming in and out. I was shocked at the deplorable condition of this old house where the SPCA was located. It probably was bad enough to be condemned.

Several different people walked me from room to room to show me about 40 different cats. No kittens, and many were rescued from Georgia "kill" shelters. The Siamese that i saw on their website, which had originally most intersted me, was nice, but somewhat indifferent to me. Of course, you can't expect much when they don't know you, and especially in that environment.

There was peeling wallpaper and water marks on the walls, and one woman said the furnace broke and there was NO HEAT for 2 days. It must've been freezing.

The stench was pretty bad. Although the volunteers were obviously doing their best, it was clear to me what this group badly needed was a generous benefactor.

In the last room, there was a gorgeous orange kitty who had been found living under someone's house. He was a long-haired beauty, but so shy that he wouldn't budge from his perch at the top of a cat treehouse. The woman said he normally was very loving, and that's what i wanted to see, but a woman came in with a screaming 5 year old so of course that cat wasn't moving, even after mom left.

I told the woman, Nancy, that i might like to come back on Monday and see if she could get that cat down, but that i was also going to the other shelter in neighboring town to look at cats. I could see the disappointment on her face. Oh, then you'll probably find a cat there, she said. I couldn't really say, but we agreed i'd email her last night either way, to let her know.

So on to the 2nd shelter, which is one i volunteered at as a cat socializer about 5 years ago. This place, in contrast, looked so much better than i remembered it, largely because, as i was later told, they finally made a rule to have no more than 60 cats. They used to be overflowing, 100+ cats piled 3 cages high, the cats were often stressed out. They couldn't bear to turn anyone away, but now they do.

The place looked so much cleaner and was much tidier, the cages were twice as big and much more pleasant to walk around in. When you have 60+ bowls of wet and dry food and 60+ litter boxes, the place is bound to smell, but it was better.

So here it was much quieter, just one other couple looking during the 2 hour adoption period. A volunteer man was assigned to show me around and i spent actually 2.5 hours there. He was very generous with his time and told me what he knew about every single cat there.

My only criteria was that the cat be either an older kitten or 1 or 2 years old, becus after having been thru so many weeks of illness and meds, i wanted a fresh start from that. I told him i'd consider taking 2 if they were inseparable. I felt very sorry for some of the longer-term residents, the older cats they may very well never be adopted out.

There was, actually, one kitten there, and i fell in love with her. She was black and white and had a terrible story. She was still on pain meds and recovering from a broken pelvis and a broken tail. They aren't sure, but she was either hit by a car or swung around by the tail by some idiot. But she was the most lovely little thing, a little shy at first and then purring up a storm as i pet her. But they told me she had incontienence and poop outside the box issues and weren't sure if that would go away after complete recovery or if perhaps there was nerve damage and it would be permanent, so they seemed to discourage me from considering her as i'd told them my last cat had poop outside the box issues all her life and that, too, was something i hoped to avoid.

There was a pair of very loving, well socialized grey tabbies, but they reminded me too much of Sitka, so i was thinking maybe not another grey tabby.

So the final 2 cats i am seriously considering are a very pale orange young male and a bengal young male with striking features. They got along, so if i wanted, i could take them both.

I was surprised that i wasn't able to fairly quickly pick a cat like i had done in the past. My mother wants to go with me when i go back to both shelters on Monday, and the volunteer there said it would be fine for me to come back as much as i liked, for as long as i liked, until i found the cat i wanted.

I was analyzing the whole thing later, and i think what happened is this. None of the cats, altho they were great, measured up to Sitka in my mind. I wasn't consciously comparing them, but we had a strong emotional bond and after 14 yerars i understood her every look and expression. I couldn't hope to find that with these kitties. It will take time.

So I filled out applications at both places and asked them to begin the process of checking my references, both vets and personal. My only fear is that, when the subject came up, i did tell the volunteer at the 2nd place that no, i didn't regularly vaccinate Sitka, becus she was a completely 100% indoor cat, and i had mixed feelings about the safety of vaccinations. Heck, there's a lot of controversy about the safety of vaccinations with children, and since she's indoors, it seemed an unnecessary risk. I once fostered a puppy who had a terrible reaction to a vacination; it was a half dollar sized open, raw, oozing abcess at the vaccination site. It had been like that for weeks.

Anyway, my fear is that they might say no, you can't adopt a cat becus you didn't keep up with vaccinations for your other cat. I realize now i really have to do that becus most vets in my area will tell you straight out they won't even look at your pet if they're not up to date. It's state law. (Not all of them, but for the rabies shot.) So i really have no choice, but i got away with it in the past becus Sitka was not sick much and there was one vet at a cat clinic who never asked the question. (Don't ask, don't tell.)

So right now, i think i've narrowed it down to 3 kitties: the too shy long-haired orange guy at shelter #1, and the bengal and pale orange guys at shelter #2.
If the shy guy at #1 shelter could be coaxed down from his roost and show me his lovey-dovey side, i think he's the one. Although there were more choices at shelter #2, i would feel better about taking a cat from the very depressing environment at shelter #1.

I am also a little afraid of scratching issues, especially as i just ordered a gorgeous 7 x 9' foot wool rug to replace the one that Sitka shredded in the dining room. I think i will have to invest in 3 or 4 good scratching posts and put them around the house. Yeah, i should have given her some alternative, and i hadn't. So no wonder.

One reason why things look so terrible at shelters is that everything is scratched and shredded, and the cats have never been told NO, don't scratch that. So that is a concern, but one i'm willing to take.

My dad called me thursday night and said they were thinking of coming up to visit me this weekend. I hadn't told him up til then about the loss of Sitka, though he's known she had cancer. His call was perfect timing and just what i needed to boost my spirits, so they are coming up, just for today, with 2 dogs in tow. We'll have a nice dinner out somewhere and i can tell them about my kitty adventures.

When i told him i was planning on looking at shelters this weekend, he said, oh, we have an extra cat here. (They have 1 cat and 2 dogs now.) But K. was friends with a woman who is terminally ill, i'm not sure what it was, but she's well enough now to have gone on vacation, her last one, in Florida. So K. took her tortie cat, but doesn't want to keep it cus she already has her hands full. She tried to get me interested to take it, and sent me pix, and i feel bad, but i really wanted to pick out my own very special cat. I only get to to do this once every 15 years or so, and i want to get a very special kitty.

I also wanted to at least start my taxes this weekend but i'm not sure i'll be able to do with everything going on. Maybe tomorrow a.m.

Thanks, Lux, for spurring me to write this post.

I want to thank you all once again for your support and heart-felt thoughts, hugs and well wishes. They are very much appreciated.

I am a writer, so one of the only ways I know how to cope with difficult times is to put my thoughts in writing. I need to work through some of this stuff and perhaps learn something in the process.

Yesterday, i pretty much followed through with the things i thought i should do after Sitka's death. Although i felt i needed to put away or dispose of all those items that reminded me of her, i did hold onto 2 of her favorite toys. I slept with one of them on the pillow next to me last night. I was laundering the quilt that was on the bed, and as i pulled out an old wool blanket from the closet, i brought it close to my face and inhaled deeply. I smelled Sitka's scent on it, and it gave me great comfort.

So as you can see, i'm torn between feeling tortured by reminders of her and wanting to put nearly everything away, and yet holding fast to some things that make me feel close to her.

I'm back at work now and doing fairly well. Many of the people here know what happened, and have been very kind. One man even gave me a gift of chocolate and a gift tea selection, which was totally unexpected, but that's the kind of guy he is.

The worst part is being home, particularly being in the bedroom and upstairs of my house, becus in the winter that's where we both spent most of our time. Last night I wandered from room to room, not really knowing what i was doing, but stopping at the entrance of each room and asking myself what changed in that room now that Sitka was no longer here.

I hadn't realized how many personal habits i had built up over 14 years to accommodate my cat and make her comfortable. Like, when i took a shower last night, i realized i no longer needed to keep the sliding pocket door ajar a few inches so that Sitka could wander in and enjoy the warmth and humidity, or wander out if she wished. I realized i could toss magazines and newspapers on the floor without worrying she might feel the urge to poop on them. (She sometimes did but she was never, ever scolded. How could you, when she just didn't understand?) I set my alarm clock a little later, knowing that now i didn't need the extra time to give her the meds. I came in the front door with groceries and instinctively put my foot in front of me as i entered to make sure she didn't try to run out the door. When i closed the door, i realized i could do just that, close it, without looking down first to make sure she hadn't walked up to look outside. the little cat door in the basement door is now strangely unneeded. The mousetraps i've set in the basement, i guess i don't need to position where the cat couldn't actually get caught in them.

Last night, i looked at websites with cats up for adoption. I'm not ready, i know, but i realized that was exactly what i used to do when i broke up with a boyfriend. I'd be so upset that i'd almost immediately go to a dating website to look for someone new without allowing myself time to adjust and heal.

Being an agnostic, i don't believe in "heaven," or life after death for people. When humans die, I think they just die. I miss family members who have passed away, but i accept the finality of their passing. I wish i did have faith. It would be a great comfort, but i just don't have it in me.

My animals, though, are a different story. It bothers me a great deal to think that's all there was, that their lives won't go on. if i could make it so, their souls would survive somehow forever, and not just in my heart.

I'll end this post by putting things in perspective. A close friend of mine is going thru a very rough time. You may remember me speaking of him before. He married a woman who left him. They divorced. After counseling, they took the big step of getting married again. She wanted to divorce him a second time but at the last minute she agreed to delay the proceedings so that my friend could remain on her health insurance plan until he gets picked up by Medicare when he turns 65 in a few years. But she never told her own family they were still, technically married. She has been living on her own, away from him for i guess about a year now, though he still loves her. She had to have emergency surgery for an obstructed bowel. I guess it's a high risk surgery. Her kidneys shut down and it was touch and go for about a week. They weren't sure she would make it and if she did, she'll be on dialysis for the rest of her life. Today, i learned, she improved somewhat and she's hanging on. My friend, spurned twice now, has been by her side, not willing to give up on her.

It's stories like this that help me put things in perspective. Life is not a bowl of cherries and when things go smoothly and the stars seem to align, we should savor those moments because they will always be fleeting. It's the nature of things.

Sitka is no more.

The vet came to my house today with his assistant. It went nearly as smoothly as you could hope for. Certainly better than when my last 2 cats had to be euthanized.

She hid under the bed when they came into the bedroom and i had to pull her out of there. For the most part, she cooperated.
I was leaning over her and cradling her little head in my hand, kissing her over and over again as the vet administered the lethal dose. I feel guilty, knowing that she trusted me and feeling that i somehow betrayed her. But delaying any longer would have caused her suffering. I do believe that, up until this weekend, she wasn't in pain or much discomfort. AFter that, i think she was suffering a little becus i think she was hungry and thirsty, but couldn't eat. It took great coaxing to get her to lap up the smallest amount of fluid.

You're going to think i'm nuts, but the image of Jesus Christ on the cross kept coming into my mind, when he said in his final hour, I am thirsty, and he was given water.

Still, i take great comfort in having her sit with me (and on me) last night and this am, even working up a little purr. She's had a habit, when i'm lying on my back in bed, watching tv, of coming up and laying on my chest, facing me, so we are whisker to whisker, her hot little breath on my face. Last night, as if to comfort me, she did what she has often done before, fully extend a front paw to reach up the side of my neck, as if to give me a hug. I loved it when she did that.

Last night, I told her over and over again that she would always be in my heart, and in my dreams. I do dream of all my cats, including the ones who have passed. They are usually in the form of anxiety dreams, where i'm trying to find one or more of them or protect them from harm. I am very sure Sitka, Tigger and Fritz will continue to be in my dreams.

I've been crying so much leading up to this moment you wouldn't think there'd be many tears left, but i did go on a binge after the vet left, though i think i started stifling sobs as soon as he walked in the door.

But afterwards, feeling like a dead man walking, i forced myself to collect her little toys around the house and i got rid of all but 3. One i had put in the little box they took her away in. It was her favorite little catnip pillow. I saved 2 other toys, one to bring to my office to keep by my computer, and the other, a little bat puppet that was part of a gift wrapped by my sister but which Sitka absconded with, to keep in bed with me, where she would be.

I threw away her meds and put all the snacks and treats in a cabinet, perhaps for another cat. I cleaned up or disposed of everything that reminded me of her. It's just too hard to look at it now.

The 25 pounds of dry food she didn't like, Kirkland's/Costco brand, i drove over to the town's animal shelter and donated it for the cats there. I felt like talking to the dog warden there and maybe even looking at the cats, but she was busy talking to another woman, so i quietly left.

I still hadn't talked to anyone after Sitka's passing. I called my mother, but she wasn't home; i called a friend, but she wasn't home either. Grief in isolation is a very strange feeling.

I then went to the landfill to throw away an old rug fragment that was under her litter box, as well as a comforter she had torn to shreds.

I felt like Dead Man Walking. Going through the motions, but i felt that the sooner i force myself to do what needs to be done, the sooner i'll recover. I made myself stop at Stop and Shop to pick up some sale items, buying $55 worth of food for just $36. It should make me happy, though not right now. I had an urge to tell the cashier i just put my cat to sleep, but i didn't.

The cat had been drooling a lot (not her fault) these last few days, so i stuffed a big comforter in the washing machine with a lot of bleach. I then spoke with both my friend H. and my mother about the cat.

The only thing that really pissed me off was this. When i first contacted the vet about 5 weeks ago, i'd asked his assistant how much it would cost. She asked me a few questions, like did i want the ashes, and told me the whole thing would cost $168. Fine, I said.

Then, when things got bad, i was in touch with the vet's office again this weekend and the woman who originally quoted me that price said they'd call me back this a.m. to let me know if in fact the vet could come today, or not. There was a question in the scheduling book. It was a different woman, the office manager, who called me back and she said yes, he could come today, and by the way, it's going to cost $200-something dollars.

I told her the other girl told me $168 and how could you hike the price on the day my cat is to be euthanized? She said, i'm sorry, i have no record of that (my conversation) and it's $200-something. She said she probably forgot to include the physical exam. I said, look, lady, i've been working with another vet whose examined her plenty and i've spoken to your vet about it. She has cancer, she's dying, she doesn't need another exam. She said, i'm sorry, but it's state, law, she has to be examined. I just gave up but i was so pissed off. I felt she knew she had me over a barrel because i was distraught over the cat and becus of the sense of urgency, that i had to have it done today.

So when the vet showed up, i very nicely but firmly brought it up. It's NOT the $$, it's the cruelty of doing this to a patient at the very worst time. He said the first girl was new and perhaps didn't know i had to have a physical exam. I said, look, the cat's been through enough procedures and discomfort. I don't want you examining her. And i think you should honor the price i was originally given.

He agreed to do that, which is a good thing becus i was prepared to challenge the fee with my credit card company when i got the bill from them. And i was also ready to add a big PS to the several online vet rating sites where i'd written some very complimentary things about the vet, not even having met him yet.

Anyway, you don't want to have to worry about money at a time like this. Please believe me when i say it wasn't the money, but i thought it was terrible for them to try to jack up the price hours before the euthanisia after i'd been told something else.

My dear little Sitka is gone. The house is very still. I already got through the first of what will be many firsts: the first time i walked in the front door without Sitka being there to greet me. Tomorrow will be another first: the first time I come home from work at day's end, without Sitka there to greet me.

Over the weekend, trying to distract myself, i set about to polish some badly scuffed black loafers i have. It wasn't until i was completely done polishing both shoes that i realized i'd used brown shoe polish on black shoes. That's how distracted i was.

I never felt like i lived alone before. I always had my cat. Maybe she wasn't human, but she was a living, breathing being, and even if she wasn't in the same room as me, she was a presence in this house. Now i feel really alone in this house. It's strange.

In the coming weeks, i will be going through the motions in everything i do. My heart is heavy.

I realize that people have just so much patience with sad or gloomy people, so i will try not to say much more about Sitka after this. But i do want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and even some actually good practical tips (the radio) i hadn't thought of. It meant a lot.

I've always thought i was lousy at handling stress or grief. I imagine that a lot of what i've said in this post is going to sound really stupid to some people, but there have been enough of you here to convince me that i'm not the only one.

Many of you know from previous posts that my cat, Sitka, has cancer (lymphoma). Thanks to the miracle that is Prednisalone, I was able to extend her life another 6 weeks since finding a lump on her chin just before Christmas.

The predisalone not only stimulatd her appetite, but it shrunk the tumor growing in her mouth, so much so that i could no longer feel it under her chin. It was like a miracle, really. But the prednisalone made her throw up, so i had to first give her a dose of another medication that helped her keep her food (and the prednisalone) down, wait 30 minutes, then give her the prednisalone.

We got into a little routine of the 2 meds, twice daily, via liquid syringe into the mouth.

The predisalone was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because it gave me precious extra time to wrap my head around the idea that she did not have much more time with me. It gave me time to prepare for the end by finding a local, compassionate vet who still makes house calls. It gave me time to focus solely on her.

The predisalone was also a curse, in a way, because my life has been in limbo since Christmas time. I don't feel like going out socially, and when i'm at work i find myself worrying about how she's doing. Sometimes, by necessity, i do lose myself in work and writing, which has ben a kind of relief for me, but at day's end i find myself dreading, just a little, going home because I'll have to care for a dying animal a little longer. Many nights we sit together and I just cry. I am back to my evening ritual of taking a sleeping pill every night after beating that habit.

The predisalone extended her life, and for that i'm grateful, but it's also prolonged my own suffering. I worry a little about my MS, becus in the past prolonged periods of deep grief (like after a breakup with a boyfriend) caused a relapse.

My main vet had warned me the predisalone would only last for so long. A few months, she said. My greatest hope was that Sitka would make it until spring, so that she and I could sit out on the screened porch together. We could listen to the birds, catch a breeze and fill our gaze with green, living things. Becus i know she enjoyed that, and it's been a long, cold, lonely winter.

She was doing so well on the predisalone that i actually thought she might make it til then. But just a few days ago, Sitka suddenly seemed unable to close her mouth, and her tounge has been sticking out. She's drooling. Although I cannot feel anything on the outside, I suspect another tumor is growing elsewhere in her mouth. The vet had told me this would happen.

I just can't do this anymore. It's heart-breaking. I remember when i spoke to the vet who will do the house call a month or so ago, he said, don't do it too soon, or you'll live with that guilt afterwards. I spoke to my dad on the phone, and he said, don't wait too long, or it'll be harder.

I called the vet's ofice today and the receptionist told me she'd call me back today to let me know if he could come on Monday. I'll take the day off. I had hoped to schedule it for Friday, so that i'd have the weekend to deal with it, but i don't know if the cat will last that long or worsen during that time. It's so hard to know. I have the added pressure of needing to be at work and not missing certain meetings, and the knowledge that with recent layoffs, i need to maintain my current workload and not take liberties.

There's not much more to say. I am afraid i'll be a basket case when the vet comes to euthanize her. I've never had to do this alone before. I pray the vet's good at what he does, that he'll be able to insert the needle into her vein accurately and easily. It will be easier to administer the final drug once she's sedated. I'm afraid she will struggle.

I will spend the remainder of the day, whether it's Monday or some other day, lying on my bed crying and attempting to put away all of her things, because they will be constant reminders of my loss. Her littler box and toys, her photos on my screen saver, the dozens of food items i've bought, her meds, down the drain. Maybe i'll donate the food to a shelter. I also plan to get rid of the dining room rug and a comforter, both of which she shredded to bits and i will buy myself some nice replacements.

I hope to be able to move forward without a new animal companion, at least for 6 months.

The last time i had to do this, i was miserable for 2 weeks from losing Fritz, then went to a shelter "just to look" and came hope with a kitten, who greatly helped me move on. That kitten was little Sitka. I just had to have her, so much so that i couldn't bear to leave her there a day long so that they could spay her, even though i knew it would cost me triple to have it done by my own vet.

I don't know how long it would have been without the new kitten.

I will feel freer to travel this spring and summer to see my dad, and maybe a friend or two. I will get brownie points at the office by working late because, without Sitka, there's really no reason for me to rush home. No one will be there waiting for me. I might as well bury myself in my work.

A work at home day for me today. Good thing, it ended up snowing all day long. I'll have to go out there soon to clear the driveway with the snowblower.

I made a loaf of pineapple/walnut bread and ate about a third of it. Still hungry, though, so next course will be a bowl of my salmon corn chowder....mmmm, i love home cooking.

I'm on LinkedIn, the professional networking site. What a blast it's been "rediscovering" old friends or colleagues from long ago. Today I reconnected with someone who worked as a news reporter at the same paper i did...about 25 years ago, if you can believe it. Since then, he published a book (fiction) and has a contract to publish 2 more! He's a "success." I would be tempted to tell you his name, because he is the son of a very famous musician, but to protect his privacy, i think i'd better not.

I also had a nice online chat with my very first editor at the very first newspaper i worked at on Cape Cod. She still works and lives on the Cape, but at a different paper. I had the opportunity to tell her how her solid editing skills taught me a lot as a young writer, and really set the stage for my future career. How often do you get to thank someone for changing your life in some way? I was grateful for the opportunity.

My younger half-brother went and got married 2 weeks ago. I just learned from my dad last night. They were supposed to get married in September, but they got the town mayor to do the honors with just immediate family. They're out of state, so i guess i couldn't have gone anyway. It was a weekday night.

No, she wasn't pregnant. They got married becus he was laid off and they wanted him to be able to go on her health insurance plan as she has a very good job. How's that for a contemporary twist on the age-old early wedding bells?

I'm wondering if it would be worth it to start buying the Sunday New York Times again, for reading, but also for the coupons, and whether the value of the coupons would cover the hefty cost of the newspaper ($4.50). Maybe i should buy the local News-Times. It's probably half the price.

I felt inspired by that Coupon Mom who was on Oprah today to see if i could ramp up my use of coupons.

I'm pleased to announce a THIRD blog. It's called The News From Owl Hollow and you can find it at http://owlhollownews.blogspot.com

Unlike the one i created yesterday, which focuses on personal finance, this one covers my other passion: all things related to the environment, nature and gardening.

Like Consumer's Corner, The News From Owl Hollow (don't you love that name?) also features a little poll which i'll update weekly.

I'm not sure where i'll find the time to keep all 3 going, although i think it will be easier to write on Owl Hollow. I'm guessing i may slack off when the warmer weather, and outdoor chores, arrive in the spring, but i will feel content to contribute to each as time permits. Both could serve as springboards to my next writing job if i end up getting laid off.

I've often kept a nature journal filled with personal observations, so Owl Hollow is really just an online extension of that.

I'll maintain my SA blog, too, becus i feel attached to the many people i've come to know here, and also becus i can "let me hair down here" without worrying as much about spelling and punctuation. The other blogs, as job search tools, will need to more carefully written, though i'll still maintain that conversational tone.

I'm about ready to start making my salmon corn chowder, a favorite i haven't enjoyed this winter. Adieu!